The Day I Broke

Humble:  having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience (adj.); to destroy the independence, power or will of (verb)!

There should be a class before surgery to teach humility.  Humility weaves into every aspect of surgery.  Prior to surgery, all routine medications/supplements and lifestyle choices stripped away.  During surgery, no control exists and crazy things occur to the body.  Post-surgery, the basic skills in life cannot be attained without assistance from others (not even going to the restroom).

I faced such humility the moment the surgeon presented the choice:  continue living as such until you no longer can use the right hip, OR, have a total hip replacement now.  The hip replacement remained inevitable; it was a matter of when.  I chose surgery now due to life already being hindered by less than 100% use of right hip.  That moment of decision broke me.  Fear struck every fiber in my body. 

Humility cannot be found in my vocabulary.  With humility in the way, I could not survive.  I chose years ago to depend on me to get things done, survive this world and figure out every detail of a situation.  I did not want to burden another or rely on another for survival.  I kept to myself and assured that I did not ‘need’ anyone in this world. 

Therefore, the moment I realized I would be helpless, relying on others to get through and needing support; I broke.  How can I get through without being able to get everything on my to do list done?  How can I ask another to care for me when they are busy themselves?  How can I give total control over to some surgeon I just met?  What does life look like without going nonstop to fix everything?  How can I give up my routine?

The overwhelming anxiety took lots of prayers, quiet time with God and venting to my husband.  By the time surgery arrived, God already began the process of picking up the pieces and rebuilding a stronger Sheree.  He began with humility.  He revealed the pedestal I stood on in life.  He knocked the pedestal out from beneath.  The ‘things’ in this world I feared incapable of completing post-surgery were the very things that kept me from truly loving the most important people in life.  He revealed the effort put forth to be “perfect” shattered my spirit, leaving me empty and exhausted.  He revealed the distance placed between Him and I due to fear of failure in this world. 

Though a storm brewed ahead, I knew full well that it packed a mighty purpose in my story.  God’s plans reveal a mighty purpose for you and me.  In this storm, I will take time to discover how to love from my heart and not my hands.  The works provided to my family cannot reveal the love I feel in my heart.  I love them, cherish their presence and long for time spent making memories; yet, I get caught up in doing ‘things’ for them and expecting appreciation in return.  I feel they need me only to fulfill the works done around the home.  Lie #1 the devil uses to fill me with fear and place a wedge between my heart and the Cross.   

In this storm, I will take time to discover how to change the goal from perfectionism to purpose.  Daily, God holds a purpose for you and me.  Perfection gets in the way of purpose.  I feel I need to be perfect to be accepted and loved.  Lie #2 the devil uses to fill me with condemnation/shame and place a wedge between my heart and the Cross.

In this storm, I will take time to discover the steps required to strengthen my relationship and reliance on God rather than this world.  God desires to walk alongside you and I daily.  God sacrificed His Only Son to have a relationship with you and me.  He loves me!  He loves you!  I feel I got this!  I feel that God has bigger problems to fix.  God has others to worry about.  My little day to day concerns are stupid.  My mountains to climb seem like a minor hill to God.  Lie #3 the devil uses to fill me with fear and place a wedge between my heart and the Cross.

Today, I pray for God to send His Holy Spirit and overpower the lies lingering in my thoughts.  Today, God will begin to erase the lies remaining in the pages of my story and begin writing Truth. Today, God will set me free from me!  Today, I run to the cross in humility, broken, ready to be put back together in His Timing. 

Join me in prayer today. . .

 ⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,^[a]
    but deliver us from the evil one.^[b]’  Matthew 6:9-13

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  Isaiah 55:8-11

Live life. . .One Day at a time! 

Sheree Craig